Saint Boris the Skinny shouldn’t be throwing stones at the Church of England

Well-known supermodel and fitness instructor Boris Johnson has weighed in on the subject of obesity in Britain, suggesting that people are getting fat because the Church of England spends too much time talking about reparations for slavery.

Yes, satire is dead, and surrealist fantasy is feeling distinctly queasy, as Britain’s foremost spiritual advisor and moral example has taken to lecturing the nation on the good life and Christian values.

A spiritual void

The former Prime Minister and father to approximately nine children, said recently that people were “gorging themselves” on physical food because of the “spiritual void” left by the CofE failing to meet spiritual needs.

While it is heartening to hear the serial adulterer who partied while ordinary Britons were not allowed to attend funerals or visit dying loved ones during lockdown share his considerable moral wisdom, he is, actually, wrong.

More than that, Johnson, who was once called “a threat to the health of the nation” by a fellow MP, seems to be turning a corner, ideologically. Maybe he really has had a come-to-Jesus moment.

After all, Johnson is a Conservative - some would say a Conservative’s Conservative - who hates any sort of nannying from those in authority. So, it is odd that he wants the Archbishop of Canterbury to control the calorie intake of the nation. Where has all the rhetoric about individual responsibility gone?

Has Johnson come so far from his university days in the Bullingdon Club (which would smash up restaurants - one way to keep an eye on the old waistline) that he now wants the Nanny Church to keep us all slim? What church has he been going to, I wonder, to keep him in such wonderful shape?

It’s all very strange, but then, Johnson hasn’t been the centre of attention for about 30 seconds, so perhaps we should not be surprised.

The temptation of Christ

What has been surprising is seeing professional ghost at the feast and cartoon posho, Jacob Rees-Mogg, lurch out of the woodwork and slouch towards GB News defending Johnson.

As if the UK were holding an impromptu Least Likeable Old Etonian competition (and that’s a strong field), Rees-Mogg - who is skinny, but in the way a skeleton reanimated by a particularly gormless sorcerer might be - said that Johnson was “essentially paraphrasing Matthew 4:4”.

Was he, though, Jacob? Did he (or you, for that matter) actually pay attention to that particular portion of scripture, or do you just like the songs that contain it? Because Matthew 4, for those in need of a refresher, opens with Satan tempting Jesus with worldly power.

It is odd that he wants the Archbishop to control the calorie intake of the nation. Where has all the rhetoric about individual responsibility gone?

He offers Christ the worship and adulation of the nations, as well as some bread. Perhaps Johnson, who has relentlessly pursued power in its media-darling, mayoral, parliamentary and prime-ministerial forms for most of his life, missed that. It’s easily done. Jesus, after all, turned the power down.

Jake the Rake conceded that Beefy Boris perhaps overstated the causal link with obesity but says that churches are not doing enough to fill the spiritual void, displaying an uncharacteristic lack of belief in that bootstrap spirit he is so fond of in other areas. He said that churches are “not talking about the love of Christ”, which is an odd thing to say if you’ve ever been to church. Or paid attention. They talk about it quite a lot, actually.

The least of these

What is missing, is people with influence doing anything about it. I recommend, if they get tired of (mis)reading Matthew 4, a glance at Matthew 25, specifically verses 31 to 46. While Matthew 4 shows Jesus healing people for free (without so much as a glance at their Bupa card), the latter part of Matthew 25 talks about the poor, the hungry and the marginalised in our society. You know, the kind of people who might benefit from the reparations Johnson doesn’t want clergy to talk about. Jesus says that how we treat these people is the true measure of our devotion to him.

So, when I hear politicians who have devoted their careers to policies and ideologies that harm “the least of these” suddenly quote scripture, I am put in mind of Exodus 20:7 or Isaiah 5:20, but I don’t like to preach to people who never asked. Something perhaps Johnson and Rees-Mogg could learn.

What I will suggest is reading that passage in Matthew 25 all the way to the end. I would mention how it finishes for those who refuse to treat the poor and oppressed as the would treat Jesus, but it it’s quite hard to swallow. Like arrogance, hypocrisy and the food many people are forced by circumstance to eat. I’ll let the Shadow Spiritual Nutritionists read for themselves. I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise.