Church leaders: Here’s what to say to a domestic abuse survivor

A story hit the headlines this week of an American church, formerly led by John MacArthur, being sued for failing to respond appropriately to a disclosure of abuse. It’s a story that hits close to home.  

Grace Community Church in California has been taken to court by a woman who claims to have disclosed domestic and child abuse to the leadership, only to be told that she must ‘submit’ to her husband. She alleges that they coerced her into remaining in the family home with her children, despite knowing that the abuse continued.  

The charity I lead, Restored, hosts an online community for Christian women who have been subjected to domestic abuse. More than 900 women have found a place where their voices are heard. I have worked with many women who were told to return to their abusers and try harder, to forgive, to pray more, to be a better wife or even, in several instances, to be better in bed. 

One woman was taken back to her abuser by the minister she had found the courage to confide in. As he dropped her at the front door, he told her husband he needed to take better control of his wife. After the minister left, she was beaten for daring to tell anyone what went on at home. It took her six years to ask for help again. The minister was eventually arrested for colluding in domestic abuse.

But responses don’t need to be as blatantly wrong as that to make things worse.  

What can go wrong

Restored worked with Broken Rites and the University of Chester to get a better understanding of what happens when a victim discloses domestic abuse in a church. The findings showed that a church leader’s response can have a phenomenal impact - either for good or for bad.  

Of those surveyed, 84 per cent disclosed their abuse to a senior leader in the church. For 18 per cent of those people, their church’s response improved the situation; 29 per cent felt more supported. But the largest proportion – 36 per cent - said it made the situation worse. I don’t believe that most of those leaders intended to make things worse. They will, largely, have acted with good intentions, though ill-informed.  

After the minister left, she was beaten for daring to tell anyone what went on at home

Some try to speak to the perpetrator, which puts the victim at greater risk. Others suggest marriage counselling or a marriage course - neither of which seems problematic until you understand that they work on the supposition that there is not a power imbalance between the two individuals. The reality is that abusers can manipulate and weaponise counselling or courses to continue to control and harm their spouses.  

Critically, 71 per cent of those who had disclosed said the church didn’t refer them to a specialist service. Too often as churches, we want to keep things ‘in house’. We don’t want to air our dirty laundry; we want to maintain a reputation of being ‘better’ than those outside our walls - but we’re not. Perhaps we are suspicious of secular agencies and want to handle things ‘our way’. At best, this is arrogant. At worst, it’s a crime.  

How to get it right

So, what does good look like?  

Believe: One thing survivors often say is that when they asked for help, they weren’t believed - particularly when the abuser has a position within the church. It’s a natural, psychological response to not want to believe a story that makes us question our own judgement or a person we know. But when someone has found the courage to speak up, it is imperative that we validate their experience.  

Safety first: Above all, we must place the wellbeing of victims and children first - and often, they are the best judges of what will enable that. 

Refer: Help the victim assess their options. You can help to contact local services or call the domestic abuse helpline (0808 2000 247). Contact your safeguarding lead and follow your safeguarding policy.  

Record: Take a moment to write down the key elements of what the victim has said, key dates, injuries, and who you have shared the information with. This may be important later on. 

Creating a safe space

Responding is important but creating the culture in which disclosing feels possible is even more so.  Speaking about domestic abuse from the front of church shows that you’re aware that it happens in churches, too. Things like domestic abuse posters on the back of the toilet door let the church congregation know that this is not a taboo subject. 

Fundamentally, we need to better educate ourselves. This allows us to recognise domestic abuse, respond well and make our churches a place of safety for survivors as we challenge and change a toxic culture that enables abuse to thrive.  

Find out more about the Restored Survivors’ Network, training for churches and resources for survivors and church leaders at restored-uk.org