1 in 4 Christians have experienced domestic abuse. Here’s what churches can do

In the groundbreaking documentary Breaking the Silence: Kate’s Story, former MP Kate Kniveton shared how she’d been abused for more than a decade by her ex-husband, Andrew Griffiths, who was a government minister at the time. In it, she described him as “violent, controlling and unpredictable” and spoke of being spat upon, physically and sexually assaulted.

Kate’s story is far from unique. A recent report from the Office of National Statistics revealed epidemic levels of domestic abuse in British society. An estimated 3.8 million people over the age of 16 in England and Wales experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2025. The majority were women.

So often, we Christians think of domestic abuse as a problem that’s ‘out there’. When we hear stories of violence against women – whether verbal, physical, emotional or sexual – we pity victims. And often feel relieved that it isn’t happening in our midst. 

The call in Judges 19 to speak up and do something to end violence against women is as urgent now as it was 3,000 years ago

But the truth is that abuse is taking place within Christian marriages and relationships today. Here’s Rachel’s story: “I was married to a Christian man. We were members of a local church and, from the outside, everything looked fine. But in reality, this man not only neglected and gaslit me, but systematically convinced me that no one really liked me, that they tolerated me for his sake and that I was a deep embarrassment. My world was a chaotic place where I had no idea what was true anymore. When the violence started, it was almost a relief; I knew what that was and I knew that people would understand. The mind games and constant belittling did longer-lasting damage than the physical assault, but people don’t always see that as the problem it is.”

If someone is being abused, they need to open up in their own time and at their own pace. What you can do is listen and believe them. Your response can change the course of their life. If you question the truth of their story, they may never tell anyone ever again; if you offer a supportive ear, you may be the first step on their journey to freedom. 

Sadly, Rachel is not alone. In 2018, Restored conducted research with the universities of Coventry and Leicester, which showed that one in four churchgoers has experienced domestic abuse within a current relationship. Domestic abuse is more than just physical assault – it’s defined in law as: “Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality.”

Violence against women and girls is not a new phenomenon. The Bible contains many accounts of women being abused and mistreated by men. One of the most horrific can be found in Judges 19. Here, we read of a woman who was maltreated at home, neglected and rejected by her husband and eventually abused and murdered in the street by a gang of men. This was, fundamentally, made possible by a culture that said her life and wellbeing were of less value than the men around her. The story ends with God’s people coming together in outrage and anguish, saying: “We must do something! So speak up!” (Judges 19:30).

It’s a call that carries across the ages and sits at the heart of all that we at Restored, and other charities and organisations like it, do. We have a mission to speak up about violence against women, to equip the Church to stand against domestic abuse and to support survivors. 

The problem: churches are not responding well

What happens when a victim discloses domestic abuse to a church leader? The results of our research make for shocking reading: 18 per cent of the people we surveyed said their church’s response improved the situation. However, for the largest proportion (36 per cent), disclosing to a church leader actually made their situation worse. 

I don’t believe that those church leaders intended to make things worse. They will (mostly) have acted with good – if ill-informed – intentions. Some might have tried to speak to the perpetrator, which can put the victim at greater risk. Others suggested marriage counselling or a marriage course; neither of which seem problematic until you understand that they work on the supposition that there is no power imbalance between the two individuals involved. Yet the reality is that abusers can manipulate and weaponise counselling or courses to continue controlling and harming their spouses. 

Critically, 71 per cent of those who had disclosed said their church didn’t refer them to a specialist service. Too often, churches and Christian communities try to keep things in-house. We don’t want to air our dirty laundry; we want to maintain a reputation of being ‘better’ than those outside our walls. Or perhaps we are suspicious of secular agencies who may not share our values. We want to handle things our way. At best, this is arrogant; at worst, it’s a crime. One minister took a woman who had disclosed violent domestic abuse back to her husband and told him he needed to get her under control. She didn’t dare tell anyone about the abuse for another five years. When she finally called the police, the minister was arrested for colluding with the perpetrator. 

Such failures are reflected in the experiences of those in our Survivors Network – an online community of more than 900 Christian women who have been subjected to domestic abuse. I have heard far too many stories of women who were told by church leaders to return to their abusers and try harder, to forgive, to pray more, to be a better wife – or even, in several instances, to be better in bed. 

The solution

Yet, the Church can do better. Following the horrendous abuse she experienced, Rachel’s story shows what this can look like: “It’s hard to recover. But the truth is, though I occasionally have nightmares and can be insecure, it’s not the narrative of my life anymore. I live in freedom. 

“God has been incredibly gracious. My church wrestled with their theology, but knew that they loved me, and showed it. One couple helped me decorate the house I rented, another sorted out the garden. One lady saved and bought me a new present every month – a salt and pepper shaker, a set of mixing bowls and a vase. I still have them 18 years later; they remind me of the love I was shown when I most needed it. 

“My church were God’s hands and feet to me, showing me I did have value. It took a long time, but God gently put the pieces of my heart back together. I don’t live in fear anymore; I am loved and I know it.”

The call in Judges 19 to speak up and do something to end violence against women is as urgent now as it was 3,000 years ago. Yet very few of us know the story, let alone heed its message. 

It matters that we face up to the reality of domestic abuse in all its forms. Choosing to ignore the issue doesn’t make it go away; it just means that we’ve chosen to ignore those who have been harmed. How much better to choose, like Rachel’s church, to be God’s hands and feet, and show what real love looks like.