‘We need to talk to our kids about sex. But my husband isn’t keen. What should I do?’

We have four children and my oldest daughter is nearly 14. I am very aware that we need to talk about sex with our kids, but my husband avoids the subject. As Christians, we don’t believe in sex before marriage, but culture is saying something different. I want my husband to lead on this, but he is in denial. Please help!

‘Open conversations about sex are vital’

Sometimes we long for someone else to handle the difficult conversations. But you may need to gently let go of the expectation that your husband needs to take a lead on this. You may have an expectation of him that, at this point, he is not able to meet. 

A gentle, loving and non-confrontational conversation with your husband may help. You could explain that this doesn’t need to be one big, awkward talk, but rather a series of small, age-appropriate conversations over time. And perhaps, as your instincts seem strong, you could begin this process. Your husband may simply not know where to start. Perhaps relationships, intimacy and sex were not discussed openly when he was young. Many parents avoid these conversations not because they don’t care, but because they feel embarrassed, protective or overwhelmed.

I recently took two of my sons to see Romeo and Juliet. My 14-year-old pointed out that Juliet was only 13, which naturally led to a conversation about marriage, relationships and how much has changed. It reminded me that these little conversations, woven into everyday life, are often more helpful than one formal, sit-down discussion.

I agree with you that burying our heads in the sand will not adequately prepare our children. As parents, we have a responsibility to protect, guide and educate them so they can make healthy, wise decisions. There are many resources available, but I would encourage you to read any book first, prayerfully and carefully, before placing it into a teenager’s hands. Children, boys and girls alike, need to hear about bodies, boundaries, respect, self-worth, healthy relationships and the sanctity of marriage from us, not just from friends or screens.

Jesus gives us the foundation in John 13:34: “Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” Christian teaching on relationships is not simply about saying “no” to the culture but about saying a deeper “yes” to love that is faithful, truthful, sacrificial and kind. Through God’s loving protection and open conversations at home, children are far better equipped to understand their worth and make safer, healthier choices.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 reminds us that love is patient and kind. What a beautiful message to share with our children. This is the clearest description of love I know and, just as importantly, a reminder of what love should never become. Children will seek answers with or without our guidance. Isn’t it better that we lovingly walk alongside them as they do?

Sinead McLeod is an actress, writer and artist and a practising Roman Catholic. She lives in south-east England with her husband and four sons.

‘These chats will be awkward, but do it anyway’

You’re right. Sex is something we need to talk about with our kids, because sex is something our kids are talking about.

Sexuality is permeating their lives. Their social feeds, Netflix shows, school curriculum and just about every pop song they listen to are conveying a message – often an ideology – be that implicitly, explicitly or subversively. And that messaging is informing their worldview.

Accompanying this cultural narrative is early exposure. According to the Children’s Commissioner for England, on average, children first see pornography aged just 13, with one in ten nine-year-olds having already been exposed. Eighty per cent of that comes through mainstream social media or networking platforms, not porn sites. And one in six 15-year-olds have sent a ‘nude’ to someone.

In order to answer your question, I’m going to lean in to the wisdom of someone whose ‘guidance’ will be far more beneficial than my own: my twelve-year-old son.

He, his mum and I have shared many a conversation about sex, sexuality, pornography, sexting, gender identity and just what that Katy Perry lyric actually means. So, I asked him for his take on these varied chats. His summary? “Awkward.”

So, if you’re looking for a means of alleviating the inherent awkwardness from these conversations, I can’t help you. Thankfully, though, that’s not the only insight he had. Here’s his top five tips:

1. Be the first: Despite the awkwardness, my son expressed gratitude for the fact we had initiated the conversation before it arose with his friends or he had been exposed to anything online: “It’s a good thing. I’d rather you had spoken to me about it because then I know how to deal with it when it does come up.”

2. Start with why: When I quizzed him on our chats about pornography, he said: “You told me what it is and you told me to avoid it because it really messes you up mentally.”

Sexuality is permeating their lives and informing their worldview

While I’d like to think I had a tad more nuance than that, he’s right to note that, rather than a blanket “don’t do it, it’s wrong”, we discussed the effects of pornography on the brain, mental health, relationships and our spirituality. 

3. It is awkward, but you don’t have to be: His advice on how to have the conversation: “Don’t act scared yourself about it. Approach it in a comfortable manner.”

4. Location matters: And where to have the conversation? “The car.”

Let’s face it, there’s just something about not having to look your parent in the eye when they explain what “going down on me” from that Panic! at the Disco song they’re listening to actually means, which enables them (and you) to keep the conversation going. Plus, it helps that they can’t run away! 

5. “Get on with it”: I save his most striking advice until last (and these are his words, not mine, so forgive the lack of subtlety): “Man up. Get on with it. It’s very embarrassing, [but] it’s a very necessary conversation. If your child is to avoid stuff like that, you have to have the conversation with them.”

I have heard it said that “the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second-best time is now”. For the topic of our discussion, that’s wisdom. The best time to talk to your kids about sex was yesterday. The second-best time is today. But whatever you do, don’t leave it until tomorrow.  

Tim Alford is national director of Limitless, a lecturer at Regents Theological College, and author of Leadership 101: Your go-to guide to leading youth and children’s ministries into a brighter future (SPCK).

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