‘My dad is fiercely independent but daily tasks are getting too much for him. What should I do?’

My dad is fiercely independent and doesn’t want to be a burden. Daily tasks are getting too much for him, yet he won’t let me help. I’m really worried, what do I do?

‘Take it slowly and be empathetic’

I went through something very similar with my father, so I know how worrying it can be. Having worked in care for more than 30 years, including as a registered care home manager, I felt like I should be able to solve everything. As a strong Christian woman, I wanted to look after him. But the reality is, you can’t do anything in your own strength. 

True independence is really dependence on God. So as a Christian, I’d say pray, and look at Bible verses such as Proverbs 3:5 and Philippians 4:13. Then, I’d advise taking it very slowly. Initially, this looked like sitting with Dad, having a cup of tea and beginning to talk. Your dad might be thinking that you’re going to take over, sell his house and put him in a care home! You need to be empathetic and listen to what he wants. 

I started by talking to Dad about how he’s always done everything himself, but now it’s time for me to repay him for all the things he’s done for me. After that, we prayed about it. It took a few months before he’d let me help. He’d had a stroke but would rather struggle to dress himself than let me see his body. He wouldn’t acknowledge he needed help shaving. Eventually, we agreed that I would get the hot water and he would shave himself. It was about working with him so that he could be as independent as possible. Sometimes, Dad would take his frustration out on me, or I’d get frustrated and feel like I was failing. That’s why it’s vital to keep taking it back to the Lord. 

As far as possible, the whole family needs to work together. You could talk through the different skills people have and the ways you could help. It’s about being open to suggestions and having the grace to step back if there’s someone who can deal with something better.

For your dad, it will be important to continue to do the things he enjoys. Everybody needs purpose and it’s no good for someone to stay cocooned in their house feeling like a burden. If your dad is used to going to church groups or activities, try to think of ways to make this possible. 

I definitely learned to rely on the Lord in new and deeper ways. It also brought Dad and me closer together. As Christians, we are called to care for our family, but there is no one-size-fits-all approach. My dad eventually had carers twice a day, with my brother and I supporting as we could. In your situation, things might look different. Whatever happens, the Lord will be there to provide the strength you need.

Jane Trimarco, operations manager with Pilgrims’ Friend Society

‘Losing your independence can be very frightening’

It is good that your dad wants to retain his independence. I can totally understand how he feels. It’s also obvious that he doesn’t want to be a burden to you. It is difficult to put yourself in his shoes. He is ageing; you are younger. His health is failing; yours, hopefully, is still good, so it’s impossible to fully understand his feelings. 

Growing old is not like a sickness or an accident; it won’t get better. There are some men and women who age exceptionally well – but most go through a process of decline, whether mentally or physically, slowly or rapidly. And this can be very hard to come to terms with, particularly if your dad is used to being independent, strong and capable.

However, the situation does give you an opportunity to perhaps draw a little closer to your dad. If possible, speak to him a little more – not just a quick text – visit him more frequently, invite him over or offer to take him out. If he feels part of your life, he may be more willing to allow you into his to help out. 

We don’t stop needing the Lord’s help as we get older

Don’t be frightened to ask what he struggles with – but do it with sensitivity. Is it DIY, housework, cooking, laundry, driving or even dressing? He will need your reassurance that if he gives in, even a little, you will do what you say you will. So don’t overcommit yourself, for your own sake and his.

If he does have specific health issues, you may need to contact his GP. It may also be a good idea to start looking at options for professional help. Charities such as Age UK may be a good place to start.

To lose one’s independence and the ability to do the most basic things in life can be very, very frightening. The feeling of vulnerability is scary to say the least. And to ask for help from the people you brought into the world and raised for so long can seem humiliating.

As a warning, he may get angry at times, but it will probably be more out of frustration with himself than you. Your patience may be tested. But remember – he is your dad, the only one you have and the one who has cared for you for many years. 

If you need it, remember that you can also get help and support to deal with the emotions of this time. Lastly, it goes without saying: keep praying for your dad. We don’t stop needing the Lord’s help as we get older. In fact, perhaps we need Him more than ever!   

Arthur White, 76, founder member of Tough Talk and world champion powerlifter. Now retired

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