‘I thought I’d messed up my life, but when I cried for help, I met the God of grace’

I was born and raised in Jersey. My mother was a faithful Catholic who made sure we went to church and Sunday school, while my father was Anglican, but not particularly practising. 

One of the biggest influences on my childhood was my aunt, who was a nun in France. She died of tuberculosis aged 28, but she left behind letters that deeply moved me. She seemed to have a real, living faith, and I was captivated by that.

As a child, I was very serious about my faith. I decided that I wanted to be a nun too. I longed to be close to God and imagined all the things I would do for Him. I loved going to Sunday school and answering all the questions, receiving holy cards as a reward.

Striving

Looking back, I realise much of my understanding of faith was centred on trying to serve God through my own efforts. There was a kind of pride in it. I thought faith was about what I could do for God, rather than understanding what He had done for me.

I attended a convent school, hoping I would find a deeper relationship with God. We knew scripture, and learned about Jesus, but I never truly understood grace. Whenever I asked questions, I often felt they were brushed aside. I remember leaving school feeling dissatisfied and, in many ways, rebellious.

Difficult relationships

As I entered adulthood, life became complicated. I went to work in a hotel and met my first husband. After falling pregnant, I married young at the age of 19, and we began building a life together. He was a kind man in many ways, but our marriage was troubled. There were financial difficulties, gambling debts and drinking. We struggled to make ends meet and hardly ever saw each other because we had to work so much. 

Eventually we both met other people, and our marriage ended in divorce. Soon after, I remarried. After years of dealing with financial chaos, I was attracted to someone who appeared responsible and dependable. I thought life would finally become easier. However, it was out of the frying pan into the fire.

My second husband was not a Christian, and our relationship was difficult. He struggled with ill health and had experienced many hardships in his own life. Looking back, I can see that I was often drawn to people who needed rescuing. I thought I could fix things and make everything better. But I couldn’t.

The marriage became increasingly unhappy, and I found myself overwhelmed. One day, I reached the end of myself. I cried out to God and simply said: “If You’re there, please help me.” That prayer changed everything.

The God of grace

Not long afterwards, some Pentecostal neighbours began sharing the Bible with me. They invited me to church, and my first reaction was horror. Having grown up in a much more formal tradition, I couldn’t believe people were talking about God as if they actually knew Him personally. I wanted to run out of the building. Yet at the same time, I was drawn to what I heard.

This couple patiently showed me in scripture where their beliefs came from. I began reading the Bible for myself and seeing things I’d never understood before. One verse leapt off the page: “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ” (John 1:17).

Slowly, I realised I had spent my whole life trying to earn God’s approval. I had lived under a constant sense of failure because no matter how hard I tried, I could never measure up. By then, I had experienced divorce, disappointment and guilt, and I couldn’t imagine God truly wanting me.

Then a pastor told me that I could come to Jesus exactly as I was. I remember protesting: “But I’ve made such a mess of everything.” He gently explained that God’s grace was for people exactly like me.

I couldn’t believe people were talking about God as if they actually knew Him personally

When I finally surrendered my life to Christ, something extraordinary happened. I had a vision of the cross and a pair of eyes looking down at me with overwhelming love. In that moment, I knew I was forgiven. For the first time, I understood grace. The law had shown me my failures, but Jesus had come to offer mercy and new life. 

Life did not suddenly become easy. My second marriage remained difficult, and my husband was strongly opposed to my faith. But God gave me Christian friends, prayer partners and a church family who strengthened and encouraged me. Little by little, I learned what it meant to trust God instead of relying on my own understanding. 

Eventually, my second marriage ended too. Later, I reconnected with Tom, a family friend from Scotland whom I had first met when I was 16. Together we enjoyed 25 wonderful years of Christian marriage. To this day, I see that as an incredible gift from God. After all my wrong turns, the Lord blessed me with a loving husband.

Tom died at the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic, after suffering from bladder cancer. I miss him deeply, but I know he is with the Lord.

Today, at the age of 79, I live in Strathclyde House, a Christian retirement community in Scotland run by Pilgrims’ Friend Society. I enjoy friendship, fellowship and the encouragement of other believers. 

Looking back, I can see how God has used every season of my life, even the painful ones. The mistakes have given me compassion for others who are hurting; the disappointments have taught me to depend on Him, and the losses have taught me where real hope is found.  

Suzanne Elder was speaking to Helen Nathan from Pilgrims’ Friend Society