‘Death of the Pastor’s Wife’ shows what happens when men are protected and women pay the price

’Death of the Pastor’s Wife’ is a three-part Netflix documentary which tells the story of Mica Miller, a 30-year-old woman who died by apparent suicide after years of alledged abuse from her husband, John Paul (AKA JP), the lead pastor of their local church, Solid Rock in South Carolina, USA. It makes for difficult watching and is often shocking, but contains crucial lessons that all churches must learn from.

It’s tempting to look at what happened to Mica in isolation: a tragic but unlikely incident, particular to people with specific beliefs and experiences, a particular church culture, in a state with a legal system that gives little protection to those subjected to domestic abuse within marriage.

All those things are true, but my experience of working with more than 1,000 Christian survivors of domestic abuse over many years mean that I was not shocked by Mica’s story, harrowing as it is. I have heard the threads of this story repeated again and again by different women in different churches in different places and at different times.

Almost every woman we support at Restored has a story of abuse that involves grooming and exploitation; weaponising of mental health; twisting scripture to keep victims trapped; people unwilling to believe that someone they know and admire could be abusive; churches without the necessary structures in place to keep people safe and accountable. The list goes on.

Mica’s story offers many lessons, but one thing in particular struck me about her story - there were plenty of people who believed her, and she still wasn’t safe. Mica had a great support network of friends and family who loved her and wanted to help her get to safety, but the systems and culture in her community combined to collude with her abuser.

A rape culture

JP’s beliefs about women and marriage are available for all to hear. Like contorversial preacher, Mark Driscoll, he teaches that women have a duty to keep their husbands sexually satisfied; he says that if they don’t, then men won’t be able to resist the temptation to meet their needs elsewhere. In fact, he has gone so far as to say that withholding your body from your husband is sexual immorality.

I don’t know many church leaders who would apply 1 Corinthians 7 to that extreme, and I know fewer who would say it out loud, but too many churches still teach women that submitting to their husbands means meeting all their needs, all the time.

When this happens, women are left thinking that sexual abuse is normal, and that they cannot ever say ‘no’, complain or ask for help. In fact, they’re often left feeling shame about their unhappiness.

Misguided forgiveness

I believe in forgiveness; I just think it is misunderstood far too often. In JP’s church, forgiveness is conflated with reconciliation and restoration.

According to the documentary, JP began an extramarital affair with Mica while they were both still married to other people. He was her pastor and 15 years her senior. Yet there were no consequences for his unfaithfulness. They both divorced, married one another and his ministry carried on as before.

Pastor Pam was brought in to bring “comfort and clarity and remind the congregation that everyone is redeemable”. She says that while she had her own opinions on what  happened, if it was a one-time mistake, then “Who was I to withhold grace?” There is truth, goodness and kindness in her intentions, but the reality is that she was invited  in to save JP’s position and shore up his standing with the church. His tears and remorse, which seemed remarkably dramatic and, dare I say it, manipulative, were not accompanied by a change of behaviour. Ultimately, JP got what he wanted. The newer, younger wife, and continued position and platform.

Victims are shown that their stories matter less than their abusers’ redemption

The church ‘heals’, celebrates the Millers 2.0, and the first wife is forgotten. From that moment on, Mica knows that wives don’t really matter to the church as much as the reputation of the pastor. That, combined with her determination to “make this marriage work” left her terribly vulnerable.

Later on in the series, Pam discovers evidence that JP is continuing to meet “his needs” outside of his marriage. When she confronts him, and this time is unmoved by his emotional theatrics, JP’s friend adds to the pressure - he says exposing JP to the elders is too much for JP right now. The wellbeing of the unfaithful pastor is clearly more important than his wife’s.

Pam takes the evidence to the elders anyway, but they are unwilling to take a stand against JP. Whether it is a structural, constitutional or power issue is unclear, but JP is untouchable at this point; Mica is unseen. Pam has done almost everything she can to hold JP to account, but there is one very critical thing that she does not do as she walks away from an ‘impossible’ situation. She does not check on Mica. She doesn’t make sure she is safe.

No one in Solid Rock Church is concerned with the welfare of the pastor’s wife. Two days after filing for divorce from her abusive, unfaithful spouse, Mica is dead.

Untouchable leadership

It is a story I hear too often: a safeguarding lead who responds to a disclosure of domestic abuse with: “You can’t tell anyone about this; it will destroy the Church.” Elders who say: “This isn’t our problem; his behaviour hasn’t seeped into his ministry.”

Abusers who weep, repent and are shown grace without accountability. Women who carry the weight of keeping up appearances and maintaining their abuser’s reputation. Victims who are shown that their stories matter less than their abusers’ redemption. Women who disclose abuse and no one checks they are safe.

The Restored Survivors Network has more than 1,000 women with a version of this story, including many pastor’s wives. Their stories show that the more power your abuser has within your church, the less likely you are to be believed, supported and, ultimately, kept safe.

In response, we have gathered denominational leads, safeguarding and HR experts, theologians and survivors to help us create a guide for churches to prepare for and respond to the unthinkable so that women like Mica can have a different ending to their story. Sign up for first access here.

Death of the Pastor’s Wife is available to stream now on Netflix