'I was a pagan high priestess. Then I met Jesus'

I had a semi-religious upbringing in Nevada – my grandparents were Southern Baptist – but it was also very tragic. 

My dad was physically and emotionally abusive towards my mum. He went to prison for sending a bomb to a police officer. I was twelve years old at the time and gave a testimony that helped convict him. His trial was long, and I missed a lot of school. My classmates knew about the case and they teased me. I was in so much pain. I didn’t understand how a loving God could possibly allow this.

After that, my mum started following what she called “the red path” – Native American spirituality. We moved to a little mountain town in Colorado. I was an angry and depressed kid, trying to fit in. I kept thinking: If God loves me, why is this horrible thing happening in my life? I would pray to not wake up.

In my late teens, I found paganism. I was a big believer in gods, karma and reincarnation. I became a high priestess of the pagan faith, and I felt really powerful doing spells.

I made some really bad decisions in early adulthood. I got addicted to drugs, dated inappropriate guys; I was promiscuous. My view of my pagan faith was that it allowed things like drug use because you were doing it ‘spiritually’. I could do whatever I wanted.

I went to prison for theft. While inside, I avoided all the Jesus books in the library, but I read all the pagan ones. Afterwards, I started having some mild success – I got a couple of publishing contracts and was interviewed on podcasts about my faith.

Moving countries

I’ve always had a love for Britain and I decided to move here for university because I wanted to write, and some of the best writers in the world have been from these islands.

I was studying for a master’s in creative writing at City St George’s, in London. One day I walked into my student accommodation, and my finger got caught in a door hinge. I remember sitting in the hospital, praying to all these gods I believed in and feeling no comfort. I said a doubting prayer: “OK, God, if You’re up there, help me out.” I wish I could say my finger magically got better but that’s not what happened. I lost the finger. 

Even though the next 18 months were very difficult, I started doing some things I hadn’t done in a while, like watching movies with a Christian theme. I started to engage with people who had a Christian-adjacent viewpoint. One of them was Charlie Kirk. 

I loved how Charlie would talk to anybody. One guy dressed as Satan, and Charlie still had a dialogue with him. On the day he died [10 September 2025], I was in this state of shock. It felt painful, like something had been taken from me. I’ve never cried over a celebrity death before, but this was different. 

It felt like all the pain and darkness inside me was being pushed out to make room for the Holy Spirit

I don’t know how I knew this, but I thought to myself: The only thing that’s going to fix this is going to church. It’s probably not going to work, but I’m going to give it a shot. 

I started looking for churches, and I found St Mary’s Tottenham, an Anglo-Catholic church. I was crying as I walked in, then I noticed Charlie’s name in the ‘in memoriam’ section of the service sheet – it was a sign God was connecting dots for me. 

I was still sceptical, and I didn’t have any idea what to do in a church. I watched everybody around me and stood when they stood. I began crying – it felt like all the pain and darkness inside me was being pushed out to make room for the Holy Spirit. 

As I kept going to church every week, I had this strong sense that I needed to get rid of every pagan thing I owned.  I got rid of every necklace, ring, statue and book – even the ones I’d written. It took weeks! You acquire a lot of stuff after 20 years!

Unexpected forgiveness

I felt very guilty, because I’ve written books about paganism, I’ve taught people about paganism and I thought God wasn’t going to forgive me. During my first confession, I went in thinking: God, you already know my garbage, I don’t know why I’m doing this. The priest told me what to do and then he prayed. As soon as I left, I didn’t feel guilty anymore! 

Before, I was a gifted meditator, I went to spiritual retreats, I was a pagan high priestess and did all of these things for decades. But when I take communion in the presence of Jesus, it fills me in all the ways I’ve been looking for. There was this big spiritual hole that I kept trying to fill. But nothing filled it until Jesus. 

Everybody in my life has abandoned me at some point. My dad was in prison. My brother, through no fault of his own, wasn’t around. I kept waiting for Jesus to abandon me, but I’m now starting to recognise that He won’t. It’s such a big hurdle to understand that even if I really mess up, He’s not going to abandon me. I’ve never had that in my life.

I’ve always been able to sit and meditate in silence for a long time. God has adapted this tool since I’ve become a Christian; I’ve had some experiences while meditating that have been very dramatic and mystical.

I’ve also been able to forgive the people who harmed me. I’m not angry anymore. I know today might not go perfectly, but I also know Jesus has my back whatever happens.  

Ashley Collins was speaking to Sam Hailes. For more information follow @GrovetoGospel