From suicide attempt to salvation

I was one half of a group called Lotto Boyzz. We had sold out shows and our music was played everywhere. Outwardly, things looked like they were going great. But I was empty. I was struggling with anxiety and suicidal thoughts. 

I was about to end my life when my phone rang in my pocket. I’ve never felt a vibration go through my system like that. It was like my heart stopped. I picked up the phone in panic. It was my mum.

She said: “Imrhan, where are you?” I said: “I’m just down the road.” In my head, I thought: I’m not gonna say anything. As soon as I get off this phone, I’m just gonna take my life. My mind was clouded. I couldn’t think of anything apart from: My life is worthless.

I was trying to get off the phone, but she said: “My spirit is not resting. Where are you?” I said again: “I’m just down the road, Mum.” She said: “Imrhan.” I said: “Yeah?” Then she called my name again: “Imrhan.” I said: “Yes?” She said to me: “God is letting me know you’re not OK. Come home.”

My mum’s not very assertive. She’s a softy. But in that moment, she was stern. And I knew instantly: that wasn’t my mum speaking. I said: “OK” and I ran home because of the way she spoke to me.

When I got back to the house, I realised my mum had no idea what I had been about to do. She phoned at exactly the right moment. For the first time, I realised: God, that means you’re real.

Throwing out the fleece 

I was still in Lotto Boyzz. But during that time, I started hearing little whispers in my sleep: Leave Lotto Boyzz. Leave Lotto Boyzz. But I didn’t. I was too scared of missing out.

Then I had an encounter at church. God told me: “Go home.” So I moved back in with my family. I started rebuilding relationships. I said to myself: I’m going to church every Sunday. Even if I was in London [performing], I’d drive back to Birmingham to be at church with my family. And I stuck to it for the whole year.

At the same time, I was still making secular music. I knew I needed to transition, but I was delaying it. I was like Gideon: Are you sure, God? How is that even gonna work? What if I’m broke? But eventually I did it anyway.

My whole identity was in my success as an artist

When Lotto Boyzz came to an end, I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t really have any purpose. I started to realise that my whole identity was in my success as an artist. I didn’t know God as well as I thought I did. I didn’t know who I was serving.

In my name 

One day I thought: I don’t care about money anymore. But I know it’s necessary. And God said to me: “Anything you ask in my name, I will give to you.” I said out loud: “I will never be broke. I’m not going to borrow. Money, come.” Then I went to sleep. That Sunday at church, someone came up to me and said: “For some reason, I think I need to give you a certain amount of money every month.”

I created a little mini studio at my nan’s house and made ‘Nice with Christ’. I heard the song in my spirit. I went to sleep and woke up around 3am and started recording. It took about three weeks to finish. I played it to some friends, and they said: “Bro, this is a banger!” I thought: Are you sure? But I knew that as soon as I put out Christian music, there was no going back.

During all of this, I was seeking Jesus. That’s all I wanted – to see the face of Jesus. One night, I had a dream. I saw Jesus’ face in a window, but it was turned sideways. I was leaning around, trying to see the front. And as I turned, his face started changing – like one of those hologram cards – into another face.

I thought: Whose face is that? And then I realised it was my face. I woke up and heard a whisper in my ear: “If you want to see me, be me.”

Paul said: “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain” [Philippians 1:21]. And that’s where I’m at now. 

Imrhan was speaking to Cassandra Maria on Premier Gospel. Hear the full interview at premier.plus/imrhan