Weed, girlfriends and slammed doors: The dramatic diary of a Christian foster parent

Hot chocolate

This one arrives straight from the police station. Reported missing by his previous carer. Since that failed placement, he’s been surfing from sofa to sofa. Now, he stands at the door of my spare room.

He’s 15. Streetwise and independent, yet the chaotic and unpredictable environment of the places he’s been staying have taken their toll. He’s still a child and he’s tired. 

Finding foster carers for teenagers is challenging. There is a significant, ongoing shortage of people who are willing to take on older children in the UK. God put the desire on my heart to be part of the solution to this problem after I began serving as a youth worker in my church. The kids I worked with displayed challenging behaviours, once smearing peanut butter on every door handle in the church building, but behind those behaviours, God showed me their hearts – and gave me His heart of love and compassion for them. Fourteen years later, the first young person moved into my home. It’s one thing working with teenagers in a youth group setting; it’s quite another having them share your shampoo. 

“I’ve learned that hot chocolate is a secret weapon in the foster carer’s arsenal”

“This room is calm,” he observes. I see an invisible weight lift from his shoulders. Within an hour, he’s tucked up in bed. On the table beside him is a mug of hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows, and two slices of strawberry jam on toast. The Simpsons Movie is playing on the TV.

Side note regarding hot chocolate: I’ve learned that hot chocolate, preferably with whipped cream and marshmallows, is a secret weapon in the foster carer’s arsenal. I am yet to meet a teenager who is not disarmed by the warm beverage. It seems to somehow tap into the innocence of a child who has been through who-knows-what traumatic circumstances prior to their arrival. I think it feels like a really luxurious treat and can take young people back to moments when they were allowed sweets in the cinema or crisp sandwiches with ketchup. Those times as a kid when you feel the caregivers in your life are in cahoots with you, and the usual rules of sensible eating are temporarily overturned. A simple hot chocolate can trigger these happy emotions in a child who is probably anxious and discombobulated when they arrive at a new home.

Back to the teenager tucked up in bed. 

I’ve learned that hot chocolate is a secret weapon in the foster carer’s arsenal

With him safely ensconced, I head off to my room, the social worker’s words ringing in my ears: “If he goes out after 11pm, report him missing.”

At 1am I hear the front door slam. I check the room. He’s gone. Empty cup, empty plate, empty bed. TV on, The Simpsons Movie paused. His exit gets me thinking about the life he’s been living prior to arriving at my house. What boundaries has he had? What routines does he have in his life? 

Then I wonder: Where is a 15-year-old going at 1am on a Sunday morning? Not to study with a friend, I’m guessing. The question looms: Do I report him missing as the social worker requested? Would that burn the paper-thin bridge that has been established between us thanks to the hot chocolate and jam and toast? Or do I grit my teeth, pray and trust he’ll come home and finish his movie?

To be continued…

Car Journeys 

He came home. I didn’t report him missing. Our bridge remains intact. I hope he’ll stay awhile. 

On day two, there are a gang of youths smoking weed in the communal stairwell of our flats. Yes, he’s one of them and yes, they’re his friends.

I started smoking weed at 14. In fact, I got suspended from school in Year 11 for having drugs on school property. My loving parents guided me through that time in my life with a mixture of strict discipline and unconditional love. I wonder if I have what it takes to guide this young man. I became a Christian at 21 when I had a powerful encounter with Jesus, and I truly believe He has led me to this point; that fostering teenagers is His assignment for me. 

Now, I choose to trust that God will give me the strength, wisdom and grace for this. 

I am already pre-empting text messages and knocks on the door from the neighbours: “Do you know that there are teenagers smoking drugs in the stairwell?” My stomach tightens. How will I navigate their complaints and my desire to hold on to this kid? My neighbours know I am a Christian and work for the church. I don’t want to damage my relationship with them, or my witness for Jesus. Wisdom is needed. I turn to God in prayer. I ask him for strategies. An idea pops into my head, involving a well-known, reasonably priced, Swedish furniture store. 

“Shall we take a trip to IKEA?” I ask him. “Pick up some bits for your room?”

He agrees, so off we go. I take the opportunity presented by the 30-minute car journey to set out some boundaries. 

Side note regarding car journeys: I’ve learned that car journeys can be the perfect setting for difficult conversations with awkward teenagers. Firstly, the teenager is trapped in the car with you. There is nowhere to storm off to and no doors to slam. Secondly, there is no intense eye contact and plenty of other things to focus on as you are driving. This can take the sting out of potentially challenging dialogue that could lead to confrontation. Thirdly, the motion of a moving car relaxes the nervous system. Think of a car journey pacifying a crying baby.

When I need to speak about something important (and maybe tricky) sitting side-by-side in the car is often the way I do it. Trips to McDonald’s and IKEA can have a very productive dual purpose and, to date, I don’t think my ulterior motives have been rumbled. 

Back to the teenager en route to IKEA with me. As we cruise along the A406 I say: “So, about smoking weed in the stairwell.” My tone is friendly and non-confrontational. We talk through the scenario. I am mindful of being succinct. Not too many words. Just a brief exchange. No lectures. Short sentences. I put in the necessary boundaries around weed and communal stairwells. 

Car journeys can be the perfect setting for difficult conversations with awkward teenagers

Maybe I should have taken a harder line and insisted on no smoking weed anywhere, ever but the reality was that this young child was addicted to smoking cannabis. I knew I needed to build a trusting relationship with him before I could address his addiction. My role, at this point, was to allow him to come as he was, to accept him and love him, which is exactly what Jesus did for me when I met Him. 

He responds in monosyllables, but his tone is amiable and he seems to understand. The point has been made. We pull up at IKEA. He chooses a rug, a bin, some glasses (did anyone ever leave IKEA without buying glasses?) and we head home. I hope his room feels more like his own when he adds the accessories he chose.

I also hope he is more aware of his new environment and the impact his actions may have on others after the conversation in the car. Oh, and I hope the bridge is a little stronger. 

We pull up outside the flat and it’s his turn to speak: “About my room,” he says. “Can I have my girlfriend to stay round?”

Oh no. “Erm, can I think about it?” I reply.

To be continued…

Saying no 

The teenage boy has asked if his girlfriend can sleep over. The fostering equivalent of a minefield on many levels. On reflection: no, no, no. The girlfriend cannot stay round. How am I going to break this news to him?

Fostering requires a lot of give and take. When a child is staying in our care, we are essentially waiving our right to have everything in our home exactly as we want it to be. A foster child will, undoubtedly, change the dynamics of a household. That comes with the territory. But the million-dollar questions are: What changes can you cope with? And what changes will stretch your capacity so far that you may snap? A snapped foster carer is no good to anyone. 

NO SMOKING WEED IN THE COMMUNAL STAIRWELL

I have learned that teenagers need independence. This is a crucial part of their development and growth from adolescence to adulthood. And they need supportive, loving adults who can help them navigate the journey. Controlling and forcing your own opinions is detrimental to your teenager’s development. So, when differences of opinion arise, I need to pray and ask God (again) for wisdom. Which differences am I able to overlook? Which ones will I never accept? Which battles are really worth picking? These are important questions because if you pick all the battles, your home becomes a war zone. And who wants to live in a war zone?

So, I pray, reflect and decide. My capacity cannot stretch to having a girlfriend stay over. I have to be honest with myself. No matter how progressive and laid back I like to think I am, I know that if his girlfriend is behind the closed door of his bedroom, I will lose my peace. I will be hovering. I will be pacing. I will be meditating (OK, worrying): What is going on behind said closed door? I’m not OK with teenage sexual activity going on under my roof. There I said it. I’m going to need to answer his question and the answer is “No”. 

Side note on saying “No”: I’ve learned that being able to say “No” is essential. I find it hard, but it’s very important to do so. On a daily basis I am adapting and moulding myself around having a child in my home. Usually, I find that I am able to deal with a lot. I can exercise compassion, grace, forgiveness and wisdom all throughout the day, eat, sleep and repeat. But if I reach my limits, it’s no fun for anyone. What are your limits when it comes to your home? When do you need to say “No”? Everyone is different. We have to know ourselves and we have to be honest. I try to have some self-awareness about my limits and when I am in danger of violating those by saying yes to something that is beyond them. It can be hard, but it’s far wiser to say no when necessary. 

What is going on behind his closed door?

Back to the question of the mixed-gender sleepover. 

I tell him: “I’ve thought about it and I’m going to say no, your girlfriend can’t stay over.” 

 “We’re not having sex,” he blurts out. (Has he been reading my journal?) In his defence, he took my “No” very well. He respected the boundary. I am very happy for his girlfriend to come round and for them to hang out together. She is a lovely girl and their relationship offers him some continuity amid the turmoil he is going through. 

Our bridge continues to get stronger and we adapt to each other and the new way of life. The new way of life, I notice, is beginning to take its toll on my door hinges, however.

To be continued…

Expectations 

The boy goes in and out, in and out, in and out…a lot. In, slam, out, slam, in, slam, out, slam. Lots of slamming and no communication. I don’t know where he’s going. This bothers me. Why? Well, I expect him to communicate with me. Some dialogue, at least. For example: “Just popping out to get something to eat,” or: “Just popping out to see my mates.” 

“Just popping out to take drugs round the back of the shops,” etc. 

Maybe, I reflect, he is not used to having someone interested in his movements. But I want an insight into his life. Is this a fair expectation? Perhaps this is a test of my patience. When I feel tested on the journey of looking after teens, it’s God who gets me through. I make sure I have time to be with Him, to hear from Him. As soon as I get His heart afresh for the young person in question, I’m re-energised and good to go. 

For your information, I will now outline some of the other expectations I have of the members of my household:

Shoes go on the shoe rack, not the floor of the porch.

Washing up must be done in a timely manner after dinner is consumed.

Items from the kitchen are to stay in the kitchen and not be taken into bedrooms. 

Dirty clothes must be placed in the washing basket, not left on the bedroom floor. 

All members of the household will be cheerful in the mornings, not moody, grumpy and rude.

But surely, it’s not too much to ask that he also lets me know where he is going?

Sidenote on expectations: I’ve learned that unmet expectations in a relationship can cause tension. After the 253rd time I pick up a pair of size eleven Nike trainers from the porch floor and put them on the shoe rack, I realise I need to adopt a laid-back attitude. I need to cultivate a good sense of humour. I need to make allowances if expectations are not met or I will live in a constant state of disappointment, upset and frustration. This will, ultimately, fray relationships and create a tense atmosphere. I have learned a strategy that works really well. When I find, for example, a cereal bowl with mould growing on it under a pile of clothes in the bedroom, I smile and thank God for the child living safely under my roof. 

Shoes go on the shoe rack, not the floor

Back to the teenager who is not letting me know where he is off to. Can our relationship survive if he does not meet all of my expectations? 

I examine my heart. The reason I want to know where he is going is because I care about him. I’m interested in his day and what he is up to. But will he understand that? Or will he think I’m being nosy and annoying? (Let’s face it, parents don’t have to do much to annoy their teenagers; just breathing will do it sometimes.) I decide to make a request. “I’d love you to let me know where you’re going when you go out. You can leave me a little note on the kitchen table if that’s OK?” 

I’ve already reconciled in my mind that if he doesn’t do it, that is absolutely fine. It’s not a rule. But I will be so thrilled if a note does appear because, to me, that is a little further bridge-building between us. So, later that day I arrive home and he’s gone out. I casually run to the kitchen table. There it is. A Post-it note. “I’VE GONE OUT”, it says in bold caps. 

It’s a start. Maybe one day he’ll let me know where.

To be continued…

It’s been ten years since the first teenager arrived at my house, and there are many more stories to tell. I wrote this article in the hope that you might consider whether you have room in your heart and your home for a teenager. And, if you already have a teenager in your home, I wrote this in the hope that it will refresh you, make you laugh and encourage you to press on through the battle of raising a teen.