Why ‘there but for the grace of God go I’ is a bad response to Phillip Yancey’s adultery

When beloved Christian author Philip Yancey confessed to an eight-year affair, the evangelical world responded in shock and horror to yet another fall-from-grace story.

In one common response, a pastor commented on Facebook: “If Philip Yancey is capable of this, you and I are capable as well.”

If we heard that someone robbed a bank or committed murder, we wouldn’t say; “It could have been me!” But when it comes to cheating on your wife? Of course, that could be any of us.

When Christians seem to have fewer morals than the secular world, we’re doing something very wrong

On Facebook, Tullian Tchividjian, the disgraced grandson of Billy Graham, who has been credibly accused of clergy sex abuse, and forced to leave his PCA denomination, said: “Somewhere along the way, we’ve come to believe there is a fundamental difference between certain people and the rest of us - that some are less broken, less fragile, less capable of failure. But while there are functional differences between roles, statuses, and responsibilities…Human beings are human beings, carrying the same flaws, anxieties, and sinful tendencies across the board.

“I have a friend who once said that all of us are three bad days away from becoming a tabloid headline and most of us are already on day two. All have fallen short, across every culture, vocation, ideology, and persuasion under the sun. Sin is a shared, ever-present reality, something that clings to all of us.”

Unequal risk

But when it comes to infidelity, we don’t all carry the “same…sinful tendencies across the board”. Infidelity is not like a virus that can hit just anybody; specific types of people are far more likely to have affairs.

In researching our book The Marriage You Want, we found that men were three times as likely to cheat as women - numbers that are consistent with other studies of religious populations. But, importantly, the rate of infidelity among faithful, churchgoing evangelicals is relatively low.

Affairs happen because of an individual’s choice - and certain people are more likely to have affairs. It’s worth noting that research shows the frequency of sex within a marriage is not a good predictor of marital unfaithfulness. In other words, men don’t cheat because they’re not getting enough sex.

However, men who exhibit signs of entitlement, who think women are beneath them in some way, or where there is a power differential in a marriage, are more likely to cheat.

Unfortunately, evangelical teaching can stoke some men’s feelings of entitlement and their sexist attitudes: A wife is not to deprive her husband. A man deserves unconditional respect and can’t be corrected or critiqued. Men like Tchvidjian have lived right in the middle of these wrong beliefs.

When Tchvidjian said that we shouldn’t judge “because we are all equally guilty”, he really drove this home. Responding to one woman in the comments, he added: “Ask God to help you see that your own heart is as adulterous as Yancey’s, mine, and every other human heart”.

So, we can’t judge Yancey, or anyone who has had an affair, because we are all equally guilty? Yet Paul taught that Christians are to “judge those inside” the Church (1 Corinthians 5:12) and that leaders should be “above reproach” (1 Timothy 3:2).

Taking responsibility

Another pastor on Facebook commented: “But for the grace of God go we, and making it through this life unscathed and untainted is a miracle we can only attribute to God, not to ourselves.”

So not having an affair is a “miracle we can only attribute to God”? Would you want to be this man’s wife? I don’t want to be married to someone whose only reason for not falling into bed with another woman is that Jesus performed a miracle.

Honestly, these excuses remind me of what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 5:1, that “there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that even pagans do not tolerate”. Most people are faithful to their spouses. When Christians seem to have fewer morals than the secular world, we’re doing something very wrong.

Telling women that they can never be secure in their husband’s faithfulness damages marriages

The other comment we often hear whenever someone falls is: “Satan attacks men in power and aims for their marriages” (or some variation of this). We even hear it before they fall: “Pray for your pastor/worship leader/ministry leader, because Satan will target their marriage!”

Is this true? Perhaps. But what is the effect of this teaching?

When pastors give these excuses and caveats, who does it benefit? Certainly not the women who are told that no matter how long we’ve been married, how much we love our husbands or they love us, our men are only a few bad days away from throwing it all away.

In our survey of 20,000 women for The Great Sex Rescue, we examined the result of the teaching that “all men struggle with lust, it’s every man’s battle.”

We found that, when women believe that this is a universal struggle and so they can never fully trust their husband, their libido drops; their orgasm rates drop; and marital satisfaction drops. Telling women that they need to be hyper vigilant and can never be secure in their husband’s faithfulness hurts women and damages marriages.

And when men are taught that they will inevitably struggle with sexual sin, it makes porn use more likely, is associated with worse marital outcomes, and makes men far worse lovers.

Expecting more

So, who does this message serve? Those who want to cheat and get away with it. Those who want to groom their congregation to overlook the sins of men in power in the Church.

I wonder, do these pastors understand how women feel when they hear, over and over again, that they shouldn’t expect their pastors, elders or husbands to be able to stay faithful?

Scripture tells us that when we are in Christ, we should put sexual sin to death (Colossians 3:5), not normalise it. It is OK to expect your husband won’t cheat like Philip Yancey. His behaviour was not to be expected, or inevitable. And it’s about time male leaders in the Church stopped suggesting that it was.

First published on baremarriage.com. Read the original version in ful