From drug addiction to freedom in Christ

I was born in East London, and had a lovely, very working-class upbringing. We were a close family, and I remember being a happy child. Then, when I was 13, my mum’s cousin took her own life. It affected everything. They’d grown up together, kind of like sisters, and she had two sons who were around my age. We literally did everything together. 

After she died, it was like my whole world had been shattered. She was like my second mum. I loved her so much, and I couldn’t understand how it could even happen. When someone dies by suicide, it leaves so many unanswered questions. There was so much confusion. All of a sudden, a massive part of my life was just gone. 

I didn’t really talk about it because I knew it would upset my mum, so I kept it all inside. I just shut down emotionally, and then I discovered alcohol and drugs.

I vividly remember the first time that I got paralytic drunk. I was about 15, and my friend and I drank nearly a whole bottle of whisky from her dad’s drink cabinet. Then we snuck into a bar – we were too young to be there - but we got kicked out. Some boy took me home in the boot of his car. That was the first time I blacked out. 

I started taking drugs while I was still at school – mainly weed and ecstasy – but then, once I left school and started earning money, it really progressed. I was working in London’s West End and everyone used to go out drinking. Over the years, it got worse and worse. My friends stopped, and were starting families, but I just kept going. I managed to keep jobs down – just – because I had to get money to feed my addictions, but my life was spiralling out of control. 

Rock bottom

One day, I woke up on my friend’s bathroom floor, covered in bruises. We’d been up all night, I’d taken loads of cocaine and I was just pinging off the walls. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognise the person looking back at me anymore. I thought: This has got to stop. I quite arrogantly said to God: “Look, if you’re real, and you’re as big as everyone says, then please help me, because I’m scared.” 

I’d actually become a Christian years before. As a teenager, my friend had taken me along to her youth group from time to time and, when I was 21, she invited me to a Christian event. The preacher said: “If you want to give your life to Jesus, put your hand up.” I did, and I know now it was the Holy Spirit, but I felt a fire all through my body. I was like: Wow, this is amazing. I really did love Jesus, but I had an alcohol and drug problem as well. Some weeks I’d go to church, and then I’d go on a bender for a week. It was just so confusing, such a tormenting time. 

Now, aged 32, I cried out to the Lord, genuinely from the bottom of my heart, and said: “I can’t do this anymore. Please help me. I’m so sorry.” I haven’t touched alcohol and drugs since that moment.

Forever changed 

When I got off the floor after saying that prayer, I went into my friend’s kitchen. There were still loads of drugs on the table, there was a fridge full of alcohol, and I thought: I don’t want it. Something had genuinely changed. I ran out of that house, and all the way home. I was like: This is it now. I want a new life. My friends had heard it all before, but slowly, the days turned to weeks, to months, to years.

I just shut down emotionally, and then I discovered alcohol and drugs

I started going back to church, and there was another guy who had also struggled with addiction. He was about to start meeting with a few other people to do a course called Celebrate Recovery [which is] a twelve-step programme, but it says that Jesus is your higher power. It took us about six months, the word of God washing over us and getting all that rubbish out. When we finished, we were like: Let’s open it up and run it for other people. We saw a lot of people get free from all sorts of addictions, not just alcohol and drugs. 

If you want to come out of addiction, you can’t do it for anyone else. It’s something that you’ve got to want with your whole heart. You’ve really got to want a new life. And I did want a new life – with Jesus. 

I didn’t ever think that I would be able to live without alcohol and drugs. I know it sounds strange, but I just loved being out of it because, deep down, I was in so much pain all the time. I had so many things that I’d never dealt with. I just pushed everything down, but Jesus wanted to heal me from the inside out. 

Carly Peek was speaking to Emma Fowle