Why are some church leaders abusive? As a priest and psychotherapist this is what I think is going on

Hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes. Rev Karen Hunter Kriwald looks at how narcissism and trauma may be effecting Christian leaders

I was sitting in a lecture at the University of Oxford when the the chair of the Church of England’s Clergy Disciplinary Commission addressed the room: “The church disciplinary list is looking more and more like my Christmas card list!” they said. As somebody preparing to join the priesthood, this wasn’t what I was hoping or expecting to hear. Most of the clergy being disciplined had committed sexual or financial offences. Once ordained, would I too find myself committing similar transgressions?

In the two decades since that wonderful day in St Paul’s Cathedral, when my sponsors walked me down the aisle and hands were laid upon my head, I have experienced and heard of things in churches that I really wish I hadn’t. 

How do these terrible things happen? 

How does a vicar smile at his congregation on a Sunday after physically and verbally abusing his wife the night before at home? How can an evangelist preach the gospel and then deliberately push his finger in and out of my mouth during a time of ‘prayer ministry’? How could a bishop justify gripping my hand behind my back and stroking my palm with his thumb while chatting amiably to my husband? Or the leader of a large, successful church rationalise running his fingers along my bra and panty line, while also engaging in meaningful, Christian conversation with my husband? I tried to move away from him, but he moved with me until I was forced to remove myself altogether. 

A few years after that last incident, I was speaking at a conference hosted by that same vicar’s church. During a time of ministry, a woman…