Donald Trump apparently has foregone the tradition of having someone else pray for him at his inauguration.
The leak of the prayer arrived at the offices of Premier Christianity just hours before the inauguration ceremony. The source remains anonymous.
The text of the prayer reads as follows:
Dear God Almighty,
Today is a huge day. Just huge.
What a great day for America and what a great day for you, God. You must be so happy. And who can blame you? I mean, your favourite son has achieved more than you could have hoped. You’re a lucky guy, your worshipfulness.
I mean, I know the Bible, God, believe me. If there’s one thing people say about me, it’s that I know the Bible, there’s no problem there, I assure you. And the Bible says, in the book of Invictus, that you help those who help themselves.
Now even though I didn’t need your help, some people say this is a time for giving thanks. And hey. They’re probably onto something there. It’s been a long campaign, the people of America, and its women, have chosen the best man and, yes, it’s usual in this kinda situation to give thanks. And that’s okay, God. You’re welcome. Don’t worry about it.
Sweet Baby Jesus – and I know that you don’t mind me calling you Jesus, because I’ve heard from hundreds of people that you love me. You’re a big fan of me Jesus, and I hear good things about you. I just want you to know Donald Trump thinks you’ve got potential. Sure, you only created 12 jobs and I will create millions, but I’m a very, very, very smart person.
Not everybody has what I have. You never really made any money, which is too bad. But, hey, you weren’t even a carpenter. People tell me you were just an apprentice. And there’s something about that I like. I respect you, Jesus. I do. I’m a really, really respectful person. That’s why I’m going to do something for you, your majesty.
A lot of people are telling me that there are billions of criminals coming into this country and taking your name and pronouncing it all wrong. Mostly from Mexico and other terrorist states. I don’t know, but that’s what people are telling me. Mexico is sending people to America to mispronounce your name – ‘Hay-soos’. I don’t know if you knew about this, but they are. And that is a really, really not respectful thing to do. And I know respect. Believe me. It’s one of my greatest virtues. And I’ve got plenty. Trust me, J.
So one of my first acts as President will be to make sure that the people and immigrants doing that – I think they’re Muslims, I’m not sure but I have it on good authority they are Muslims – will be shown no mercy. People need to know this is a Christian country. When people say your name here, they will say it in the original American. And if they don’t, they will get a punch in the mouth, if you know what I mean.
For you, Jesus, I’m gonna turn this country into the best damn Christian nation in the world. And if that means showing no mercy to these people and cutting down a little on this politically correct ‘forgiveness’ BS, then I guess that’s just what I’m gonna have to do.
Mr Christ, I’m a businessman. To be perfectly honest, I’m a great businessman. You’ve probably seen my shows. Everybody has. That’s why America hired me. I’m very, very successful. And I know how to negotiate. Trust me, if you’re gonna beat China and Ted Cruz and Bill Clinton’s wife, you’ve got to do a few deals.
So I can negotiate. Believe me. And I know that in the Bible, in the book of Commendations, you say that a man can only bargain with God if he has a long spoon. I don’t know what that means, your holiness, but if I take care of that little Mexico ‘Hay-soos’ problem for you (and don’t you worry about who’s gonna pay for that, I think they will) then I’m gonna need you to do something for me.
Here’s the thing, Jeez. A lot of people have been making fun and making up stories about me, your highness. You know what that’s like, being pretty unpopular at the end there yourself, but you may be surprised to know that even non-losers can have some hurtful things said about them.
With me, it’s my hair. You know, I’ve got great hair and a lot of people are very, very, very jealous of my hair. It’s great hair. You and I are pretty similar, except I am very, very rich and have great hair. But we’re both white. We’re both men. We’re both in danger of being victimised by society for being winners. We win. We got to stick together.
So I was thinking. You still do the smiting thing right? I think that was good, you should bring that back. If you could just do me a favour and smite a few of the people who are victimising me, that would be great. Just great. I’ll even pay the legal bills, if necessary.
Anyway, Jesus. There are a lot of important people wanting to speak to me, so I’m gonna have to go. But if you need anything, you know where to find me. And don’t worry about this whole ‘personal relationship’ with you thing now that I’m gonna be busy kicking ISIS’s butt all over Iran and nuking wind farms in Scotland. I’ve got the best guys for praying. My guys are the best guys and they are gonna pray the hell out of this whole personal relationship thing, believe me. We’re gonna walk humbly with you like you’ve never seen, J. It’s gonna be huge. Huge.
I’d like to leave you with some lines we were taught when I was a kid, from what I believe is one of the greatest hymns of our time.
He’s got the whole world in his hands
He’s got the whole world in his hands
And look at his hands. Are they small hands?
I guarantee you, there’s no problem.
No-one from the Trump campaign was available for comment.
(And in case you were worried, yes this is satire)