Hey, friend. Relax. I know right now you want to freak out, but chill. Yes. Donald Trump won the American election. And, as to be expected, a lot of farm animals were born with multiple heads last night and ate each other. Nature’s going to react to news like that, just like people will. Your paranoid friend has removed a tinfoil hat and is now painting signs on his lawn actively encouraging the aliens to take him. And yes, all those lines from Revelation about ‘trumps’ signalling the end of the world are kind of crowding in the dark corners of your mind, growling at you. But it’s okay!

As I take a break for a moment from digging this thirty-foot bunker in my garden and wait for the cement truck and canned food to arrive, am I a little disappointed by the result? Sure. But am I freaking out? Pah. With a positive attitude, a filter to turn waste products into drinking water and a few reasons to be cheerful, today is just like any other day! Here, let me share some of those reasons:

1. Reality TV can only get better now

For years I’ve been saying that these horrible reality TV shows like The Apprentice that glorify bullying, greed and a lack of principles appeal to the worst in society and are making people dumber and less moral. Clearly I was wrong, as a principled, decent, staggeringly intelligent reality TV host now has nuclear launch codes. I couldn’t be happier. And I look forward to the first Prime Minister who started their career on Geordie Shore.

2. Politics will stop being the reserve of the elite

If there’s one thing a billionaire who has repeatedly expressed disdain for the weakest in society beating a millionaire to become President tells us, it’s that politics are now firmly in the hands of the people in America. But hey. All bets are off now.

3. Holidays to America are about to get a whole lot cheaper

Ever dreamed of seeing the Statue of Liberty?

Ever had a hankering to view a race riot from the Empire State Building or the rise of fascism encouraged by a charismatic leader in Vegas? Want to see what a newly-formed climate-change desert looks like? Now’s your chance! See? Silver linings!

4. Satire!

Sure, a man who has exhibited the fascist tendencies of encouraging supporters to violently attack dissenters is in the White House. And, yes, a disturbing misogynist was chosen by the majority of voters including women. And yeah, many Christians picked this moment to stop being all judgey about personal morality and quality of character in a leader, assisting a crazy-haired ethical vacuum to take power. But on the plus side, with this material to work with, Jon Stewart might come out of his secret bunker and start making TV again!

5. This will make us better people

Maybe you know the feeling, maybe this is your first time. Those of us who were shocked and horrified by the last UK election and Brexit results have been here before, and it’s only done us good! Switching on the radio and hearing news that makes your stomach turn. Walking out into the street, hollow and unbelieving, and looking at your neighbours with every shred of trust torn from your naked soul.

Feeling powerless and broken by the state of the world and the fact that people – good people – could do this. These feelings are good for us! They remind us we are not in control. They keep us humble. You know: Eat, Pray, Give Up on Humanity.

6. God is in control

He is. I know. Though he was in control in 1939, too. The theology of this may need unpacking and I’m too tired. It’s been a long night. And I’m pretty busy with this bunker, and looking on the bright side. I’ll do it soon, when America is great again. 

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