If you haven’t already heard, a hullabaloo has erupted over Digital Cinema Media’s (DCM) decision not to screen an advert showing the Lord’s Prayer, claiming it could be ‘offensive’. Here’s the ad, in case you haven’t seen it:

Some people are having a hard time comprehending why an advert that shows nothing but people saying the Lord’s Prayer could be deemed so offensive. Others claim that the DCM are only sticking by their own rules.

Whether the decision is justified or not, it got me thinking about some of the things that are really offensive in my local cinema. I’m not just talking about the gore filled Saw films or steamy flicks like 50 Shades of Grey. Here are five truly offensive things from your local picture palace:

1. Over-inflated popcorn prices

I’m offended that cinema chains think it acceptable to sell popcorn for 12 times the cost price. It’s just a puffed up kernel. And when the major chains think a coke and a hot dog which tastes like cardboard is worth £9 (they even have the temerity to describe this as a ‘deal’) I wonder what the world is coming to. And why is it that when you ask for a ‘small coke’ you get given a paddling pool’s worth of the black stuff?

2. 3D films

The tickets for these films cost more. You have to wear glasses over your glasses. You get a headache. And worst of all, within seconds of the latest blockbuster beginning you’ve forgotten that it’s even in 3D and are failing to notice or appreciate the extra dimension. 3D is nothing but an offensive gimmick. Ban it!  

3. Talking during the film

Speaking at any point once the adverts have finished is totally unacceptable. Why have cinemas not cracked down on this gargantuan problem? If you can’t follow a basic plot line, than that’s your problem. Don’t ask the person next to you to fill you in on what’s going on. It’s offensive to me that cinemas fail to eject serial talkers. I plan to lobby my MP to table an early day motion banning opening your mouth while in a cinema screen (except to eat overpriced popcorn obviously).

4. Charging extra for better seats

I’ve already paid £12 (twelve quid!) for a standard ticket and spent half my monthly food budget on pick n’ mix. Now you want me to cough up more money so I can sit on a better seat? What’s next? Charging extra to use the toilet?

5. The Left Behind movie

If you’re going to ban something Christian, don’t make it the Lord’s Prayer, make it this piece of utter tosh. When a film based on bestselling Christian books can’t even win over a Christian audience, it’s not going to impress the rest of the world. Sure enough, Left Behind was unanimously panned by both Christian and secular critics, and it’s become one of the worst films in recent memory. It’s even made some critics wish they didn’t have a memory in the first place. It also got me thinking - why can’t cinemas just ban all Nicolas Cage movies? His presence on the big screen is beginning to offend me.

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