Of course you should feel safe that none of us need say any more than we want to about our personal sexual life. You don’t need to be defensive about that as we all need boundaries around our sexuality. However, the fact that you ‘dread’ the conversation suggests to me an underlying lack of confidence and self-esteem in the values you have. Despite choosing to save your sex life for marriage, maybe secular beliefs have also leaked into your system thereby causing you some embarrassment around your own journey.
The truth is you have a lot to be proud of in the high value you are putting on sex, the selfcontrol you are exerting and the lack of ‘screwed up’ experiences you are giving yourself (anyone who has split up from a sexual relationship would envy your emotional freedom). Treat with disdain the old-fashioned myth of ‘frigidity’ and live out your masculinity or femininity with glamour and exuberance as the celebration of how your creative father has designed you – fearfully and wonderfully.
Is it ok to kiss random guys in clubs to let some sexual tension out? Is this ok for a Christian?
No, it’s not ok. God designed sexual behaviour for monogamy and to be an expression of love. If we allow sex to be dislocated from intimacy it will eat us up. GK Chesterton said ‘The moment sex ceases to be a servant it becomes a tyrant.’ You are treating the guys as objects to gratify you, as well as their own dislocated sexual drives. If we train our sexual expression in a crucible dislocated from emotions, we can create all sorts of arousal disorders once we try and express sex in a relational context.
Far from releasing sexual tension, it is probably actually adding to it. In being directly sexual with random guys you will open the door to your body responding and it will want more. You are better off finding someone to date and pitching your kisses in the challenging context of a real human being who needs your support as well as space. Until you can find that person, you are better off keeping your sexual expression at bay and releasing your energy instead through dance, humour and other aspects of your personality.
Remember it is also not going to be terribly attractive to a guy who might be thinking of asking you out to see you throwing yourself at all and sundry. Treat yourself with the value you deserve, even if that is hard, ultimately it will make you feel better about yourself.
In your experience, how much does the physical influence the relational side of a relationship?
I would advocate building a relationship like a table with the aim of growing all the legs at the same depth so we don’t wobble so much! One leg is the physical side of the relationship, another is your commitment which becomes ultimate at marriage, the others are your friendship/social relating and the last is the spiritual. Each leg needs to have its own integrity.
In practice, it is easy to slip into worrying that if we disagree relationally for example, that then we will miss out on what we are enjoying physically. This can cause us not to confront issues that are relationally important. Likewise, sexual closeness can be used as a weapon. We can manipulate with it to get what we want in other areas of the relationship. We can withhold or entice as a power game, or use it to cover up and avoid the hard conversations that we should be having as it can be a surface way to restore the ‘feel good factor’. All of this muddles the legs of the table and causes us to build more wobbly foundations.
However, once the other legs of the table are given attention to in their own right, then physical closeness to the appropriate level, is there to be healing and comforting. This is a blessing and gift when it reflects light that comes from a deep inner place of harmony and appreciation.