Festival Tent Graphic

The Overzealous Steward

Key Identifiers: Hi-vis jacket, megaphone, clipboard, radio mic. Walks with an air of knowing They Have The Power.

Festival Heaven: Shouting ‘No wristband, no entry.’

Festival Hell: People with press passes insisting they don’t have to queue like everyone else.

The Overworked Pastor

Key Identifiers: A slowly appearing look of resignation as the much-hoped-for week of teaching and refreshment turns into a 24/7 counselling fest.

Festival Heaven: The 20 minutes carved out on Saturday afternoon to catch up with an old college buddy.

Festival Hell: A 3am knock at the tent door...

The Teenage Hipster

Key Identifiers: Eyeliner, new boyfriend’s hoody, youth Bible.

Festival Heaven: The 3am campfire putting the world to rights while someone plays Coldplay songs on the guitar.

Festival Hell: Anything involving parents, main sessions, or early mornings.

The Atheist Spouse

Key Identifiers: A hopeful Christian spouse hoping that this will be the summer they finally meet Jesus.

Festival Heaven: Apparently there’s a pub near the site showing the football on Saturday afternoon…

Festival Hell: Accidentally wandering into a seminar which involves prophecy, laying on of hands and praying in tongues.

The Kit Junkie

Key Identifiers: Sensible deckchair for outdoor seminars, headtorch, packed lunch, thermos and highlighted programme.

Festival Heaven: Finding out those with the early bird tickets are entitled to a free T-Shirt and a signed picture of the main stage speaker.

Festival Hell: A last-minute venue change throws the schedule ALL OFF.

Extra points for spotting…

Undercover Reporter

The atheist working for a national broadsheet whose been sent to write an expose on how all Christian festivals are brainwashing people.

The Glampers

Refuse the tents and stay in a local BnB. With glossy hair, bag-free eyes and an absence of grime, they are the envy of everyone by Day 3. Much less likely to snooze through seminars.

The Shambles

Turns up late with a tent but no poles. Misses all sessions apart from accidently stumbling into a talk on ‘eschatology in 21st century urban communities with a missional (but not intentional) deliberately incarnational slant’.