The Overzealous Steward
Key Identifiers: Hi-vis jacket, megaphone, clipboard, radio mic. Walks with an air of knowing They Have The Power.
Festival Heaven: Shouting ‘No wristband, no entry.’
Festival Hell: People with press passes insisting they don’t have to queue like everyone else.
The Overworked Pastor
Key Identifiers: A slowly appearing look of resignation as the much-hoped-for week of teaching and refreshment turns into a 24/7 counselling fest.
Festival Heaven: The 20 minutes carved out on Saturday afternoon to catch up with an old college buddy.
Festival Hell: A 3am knock at the tent door...
The Teenage Hipster
Key Identifiers: Eyeliner, new boyfriend’s hoody, youth Bible.
Festival Heaven: The 3am campfire putting the world to rights while someone plays Coldplay songs on the guitar.
Festival Hell: Anything involving parents, main sessions, or early mornings.
The Atheist Spouse
Key Identifiers: A hopeful Christian spouse hoping that this will be the summer they finally meet Jesus.
Festival Heaven: Apparently there’s a pub near the site showing the football on Saturday afternoon…
Festival Hell: Accidentally wandering into a seminar which involves prophecy, laying on of hands and praying in tongues.
The Kit Junkie
Key Identifiers: Sensible deckchair for outdoor seminars, headtorch, packed lunch, thermos and highlighted programme.
Festival Heaven: Finding out those with the early bird tickets are entitled to a free T-Shirt and a signed picture of the main stage speaker.
Festival Hell: A last-minute venue change throws the schedule ALL OFF.
Extra points for spotting…
Undercover Reporter
The atheist working for a national broadsheet whose been sent to write an expose on how all Christian festivals are brainwashing people.
The Glampers
Refuse the tents and stay in a local BnB. With glossy hair, bag-free eyes and an absence of grime, they are the envy of everyone by Day 3. Much less likely to snooze through seminars.
The Shambles
Turns up late with a tent but no poles. Misses all sessions apart from accidently stumbling into a talk on ‘eschatology in 21st century urban communities with a missional (but not intentional) deliberately incarnational slant’.
