"I’ve had one orgasm in ten years of marriage – why? Was it unfair for God to design men to enjoy sex more than women, since they orgasm every time? How can women reach orgasm more often?"
Maybe men are better at fully focusing on sex than women are? I would recommend you work your way through the practical advice in a book called Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Programme for Women by Julia R Heiman and Joseph LoPiccolo (Piatkus).
There are some keys that will help women trigger an orgasm.
Don’t tumble into sex unprepared and drained. A woman’s body takes time to warm up. We need transition time from the busyness of the asexual day to feeling in the mood. Try having a bath before you make love, rub some moisturiser in everywhere, touch yourself a little to start turning yourself on so you are feeling more ready. Put on clothes that will make you feel good emotionally and physically.
Build anticipation in regards what you would like your husband to touch next, and then guide him to that. Move with his touch to make it feel more sensuous for you. Once you are turned on a bit he should stimulate your clitoris and you should let him know how you like this done. Be fully present and focus on enjoying what turns you on. Having an orgasm requires a letting go and abandonment into the experience. This requires a level of sexual and relational confidence with your partner.
Work through any bad feelings or resentments between you that might be causing you to hold back sexually. Be in a good place emotionally together before you make love. This includes resolving negatives, but also involves focusing on the positives of what you admire in him. In the dynamics of your relationship, make sure you are relating as adult to adult and not in a parentchild mode as this is a passion killer. Remember too: knowing that you can say no to sex enables saying yes to be a positive choice.
Tiredness is also a blocker to women orgasming. When men ejaculate it makes them feel more relaxed and de-stressed. For women, it feels like it takes energy out of us and requires focus. It’s therefore difficult to get the best out of us when we are at the end of our resources. Think about what time of day you feel at your best and could give the most to sex – maybe non-work day mornings are better for you, or after you have got the kids to bed, but before it gets late? In which case, initiate this with your husband. If you have a date night and are exhausted – try to get a catnap before you get together.
In short, the female orgasm is an art, not a machine.
As for what was God thinking when he set the gender designs – you will have to take that up with him in heaven!
"Is fantasising about being with your partner ok once you are married? Does it count as lust? Can it damage your real sexual relationship?"
Broadly speaking I think this is more likely to have a positive effect than a negative one. Lust as I understand it is when we separate out sexual gratification from love. Since you love your husband then I find it hard to see how desiring him sexually can be deemed something negative, as long as love and respect are grounding your fantasies and your sexual behaviour.
If the fantasies are within the realms of playful, happy and romantic projections of the real person, then let them help you in enjoying your sexual bonding together.
"Since the menopause I have found my vagina is very dry – despite HRT. Sex is getting more and more painful as a result. Is it a case of ‘use it or lose it’ – should I persevere?"
Use Replens vaginal moisturiser; you insert it internally and it is best used consistently rather than just when you want to have sex (replens.com). It will help to rebalance the vaginal tissue due to the decline in estrogen you have gone through. It will also help to put lubricant all over your husband’s penis and maybe a little around your vaginal entrance: try ID Millennium Lube (idlube.com) or TLC Lube (pasante. com).
Yes, it is good to persevere with sexual intimacy, but not at the cost of this hurting either of you.
