I’m a single 26-year-old guy and find porn a constant temptation, particularly since I got Internet access at my flat. There are loads of images of naked and semi-naked women all around – papers, lads’ mags, ads on TV, DVDs, its hard to escape it. Every time I use porn to masturbate I feel guilty. I have asked God to forgive me a zillion times and it feels like cheap grace to expect God to continue to forgive me when I can’t or don’t change. I don’t lapse every day – but I rarely make it through a fortnight. Most of my mates are not Christians – they don’t think this is an issue. I have not told anyone about my secret sin; I’m too ashamed. How can I call myself a Christian and yet keep on sinning in this way?
"The reason you can call yourself a Christian is that Christians are sinners who are learning to live life holding God’s hand. So let’s focus on learning, not condemning. God’s gift of forgiveness is a state of His being, not a finite special offer. God is gracious and compassionate towards us: read Nehemiah 9.17. Our job is to keep our hearts soft to our need for His cleansing, rather than hardened and not caring.
Let’s start by asking: ‘why is porn a constant temptation’? You probably have a build up of physiological and psychological sexual tension and you have become habituated to porn providing the channel out of which this tension can flow. You need to learn to provide yourself with other ways to channel this sexual energy, because God is not going to take away your sex drive. Believe it or not, God has given you your sex drive to be a blessing!
Often psychological sexual tension is the seat behind what you end up doing, so put more effort into going deeper with your friendships and make sure your intimacy needs are being met. The physiological tension requires some more practical channeling. First, shut down the option of using porn, because it is just an addiction you are feeding. The more you feed it, the more it controls you. I note most of your friends are not Christians. That’s fine, but you need to get into an accountable relationship with another Christian bloke: someone you can trust, who will pray with you and with whom you can be real about your porn problem. Agree that he will ask you each time you meet or speak, whether you have avoided porn or not. Knowing he will ask ‘the’ question will be a powerfully positive pressure. There are also different types of accountability software available – your friend will get sent an email if your computer visits a porn site. When you meet, pray together about this area and ask God’s transforming power to fill and help you. Get a porn filter on your computer – useful sites to visit include Covenant Eyes, XXX Church and Integrity. You might also find the workbook on sexual addiction published by Living Waters helpful.
Use your freedom to choose not to ‘lead yourself into temptation’. Choose not to watch DVDs that will show naked women and if you get surprised, use your fast forward button. Don’t open lads’ mags; you don’t need to read them. When you see beautiful women, just look once, then straight away, say to God how beautiful He made her and tell God ‘well done!’ God too looks at His creation and celebrates. Practise also doing this with women that you do not see as sexually attractive. Learn to view God’s “vast array” (Genesis 2:1) of women with His creator’s value. This will change the way you see women. When you have looked once, then look away and fully concentrate your visual brain on something else.
Then you need to deal with your physical body. Some days you can replace the urge to masturbate by taking exercise. Other days a cold shower will work (ouch!). Remember that shrivelled feeling last time you dived into cold water?! After using either of these two options, re-direct your mind with some human company. However, other days none of these types of strategies will work and in my opinion you would be best served to have a positive experience of masturbating. It will take some learning how to do this without pornography, but some men find it is possible. As you stimulate yourself, focus just on the physical sensations of pleasure that you get, but avoid lustful fantasies. I have spoken to men who have achieved this – however I acknowledge that it isn’t easy. The fact is there is nothing clear in the Bible disapproving of masturbation itself, although scripture clearly rules out lustful thoughts and if you do not find it possible to masturbate without being snared by lustful imaginations you need to avoid doing this.
Scripture gives us an emphasis of mastering self-control (not repression), honouring and respecting one another, monogamy and celebration of sexuality within its God-given boundaries. All the best!"
