I discovered a few months ago that my husband has been looking at porn on the Internet for a long time, as well as going onto sites where he meets up with people who he then would exchange sexual texts with. It seems he has been addicted to this for years. This was bad enough and left me reeling, only to recently discover that one of the people he is doing this with is a man. I am devastated. How could he as a Christian do this? I am now constantly checking his computer and mobile behind his back and our marriage is filled with an atmosphere of mistrust. I have never felt so low about myself and have given up making any effort about my appearance as I have lost confidence that my husband is going to be attracted to me looking feminine. Please help; I feel I have lost all my bearings and am too ashamed to tell anyone what is going on. I feel terribly lonely.
"My heart goes out to you in this huge situation you are facing alone. I want to encourage you firstly that you don’t have to carry that awful aloneness; there are many other women around you who have walked this same painful path. You will have lived in a lonely marriage where your should-be soul mate has withheld vast territories of who he is from you, the emotions of which may just be hitting you now.
But the shame is not yours and we all need strength and kindness from others. This is what fellowship and the body of Christ is all about. So reach out and share what you are going through with trusted others. You can chat online with other Christian wives of addicts, go to www.ezboard.com, register and look at the ‘Christian wives of addicts’ page. You may also find it helpful to get hold of some resources designed for partners of sex addicts. The web site www.sexaddict.com will give you information on this.
Your husband has got stuck in an addiction and needs help. This is an opportunity for him to bring into the light the many turmoils he has been going through. It is natural for you initially to go through a state of shock and then anger. It will raise multiple questions for you, from the profound to irksome details. However painful, you will need to talk, shout and cry these out!
Be mindful of the different purposes of your communication. When you need to offload, this may be better done with a trusted friend or counsellor, in order not to cause more damage to your marriage. When you need to understand how each other feels, then offload this together, keeping a rein on words that will cause the other person to shut down and not hear. When you need to question, do this with openness and honesty, couching this wherever you can with compassion and lack of rejection. In everything, grip onto God’s love for you both.
Trust is going to be slow to rebuild and will need realistic expectations, acknowledging that for a length of time it will be appropriate not to trust. It may even help your husband to know that you will be regularly looking at his mobile and computer. The aim of this is not to live in suspicion, but to actively live together without no-go areas. Maybe you could read and pray together through 1 John 1:5 - 2:2. Living in the light, as well as knowing God’s forgiveness, will be key bywords for you both.
Your husband’s sexual problems have naturally severely knocked your own confidence. However, you need to know that his addiction will have been formulated long before he met you and is not your fault.
You need to shift to finding your bearings from what God says about you, rather than from your husband. God has made you “fearfully and wonderfully” and chosen to bless you with feminine sexuality. God says this is very good and wants you to celebrate and make the most of your femininity. Even if your husband is confused about his gender attraction, don’t catch his confusion and negativity. Believe in the attractiveness of how God made you and take pride in making the most of yourself again. This will be important for your own self-esteem and confidence, irrespective of whether he is currently able to respond to you. Do also guard your heart in this, as it would be easy to look to other men for sexual affirmation, making yourself vulnerable at this shaky time.
I do pray that what I have written will get you started on re-finding your bearings and connecting with the support that you deserve. Take care of yourself."
